is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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