i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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