You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
