I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
