You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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