my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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