My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
