Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
