I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
