Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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