Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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