I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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