If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
