god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
