Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
