So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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