I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
