So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
