Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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