you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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