are you still at the devil's house?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
