first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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