Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
