Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
