What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
