I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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