On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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