I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
