Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just high enough for therapy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize