Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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