I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
