Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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