he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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