at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
whose parrot is this?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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