why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
