my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize