You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
