I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
