he thought i was a dude.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
