Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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