doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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