im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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