and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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