The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
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Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
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I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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