Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
