Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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