So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Your penis caused this!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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