Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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