Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
