if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
