My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
