i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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