im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
