Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
