I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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