moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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